V is for Vulgar
I want to preface this letter by saying that I don’t believe that any food is either dirty or clean. I am one of the greediest people and I eat an extortionate amount of “unhealthy” foods. But this look into vulgarity in food is destined to be light-hearted and amusing; a look into what myself and my friends would consider a dirty food habit. I asked around to get a sneak peek into people’s guilty secrets when it comes to eating and the replies were enlightening.
I think that the first thing that comes to my mind when considering making something dirtyyy, is adding cheese. Extra cheese on your burger. Fried cheese. Blocks of cheese nabbed straight from the packet in the fridge. Cheese was the number one ingredient that came up in the survey and, boy, are some of my friends weird. No judgement here as I had a packet of plastic, lumo-orange cheese in my fridge for a good six months last year, nibbled at during the only the most peculiar of cravings. But is that as dirty as:
Cheese n jam
Cheese smothered in mustard and wrapped around a cornichon
A homemade cheese sauce to go on chips (when hungover)
A hangover is certainly a time during which these dirty deeds take place. I have mentioned countless times throughout this newsletter, now almost unashamedly, that I will eat a bowl of pasta with cheese and ketchup when I have a stonking hanger that refuses to be budged by any healthier means. But everyone has their cure-all.
Parma ham and a bag of cheese and onion crisps
Frozen chips dipped in gravy powder
Chocolate and salami
Marmite pasta with lashings of cheddar
I’m reminded today of this clip from our King Anthony Bourdain on how to cure a hangover but I have to say, it isn’t dirty enough for me.
“Aspirin, cold coca-cola, smoke a joint, eat some spicy Sichuan food. Works every time.”
Anthony, like myself, was also a sucker for a cheapo, dirty burger. Sloppy with sauces and molten with cheese. Too many pickles to count and a bun that will dissolve in your mouth but never decompose if left out on the side. The appeal of these grotesque sarnies for me is most likely childhood repression (to this my mum will laugh). But a McDonalds was a rarity for us growing up, and then I was a vegetarian on and off for the best part of twelve years, meaning that burgers passed me by. This reclamation of burgies came hard and fast and I still don’t think you can beat it as a proper treat.
Exhibit A : Dumbo Paris
Internet Freaks
With our beloved internet addictions, we become privy to people’s freaky food fetishes and often these trends can go viral. Today, Erin showed me the popular pickle challenge that is taking TikTok by crunchy storm. Riddle me this, a big, fat American pickle, wrapped in a Fruit Winder, stuffed with a spicy cheeto, and sprinkled with Tajin. This to me is the epitome of questioning my internet usage. This surely cannot be appealing. But alas, I watched some videos and marvelled at the joy that this pickle brought to all of their faces, despite paying 30 quid for the respective ingredients. A funky flavourtown of spicy, sweet, salty, crunchy, cold, chaotic. Do I now want to try it? Maybe.
Gross Runners-up
The funky food habits of some friends who didn’t make it into the newsletter. Mayo is a common denominator in what people are secretly ashamed of.
Mayo on a teaspoon
Cold baked beans
Mayonnaise on bread
Mayonnaise and ketchup on bread
Peas n mustard
Out of date fried onions
If you have any weird food habits, please comment them below or send them to me. I am fascinated by this nosey gastronomic anthropology.
Once again I loved this blog Tori. I have 2 so called “dirty foods” Firstly curried boiled eggs and rice with banana!! All 3 of us had this almost every Thursday growing up! It was passed on to my own children growing up and to this day they are still traumatised. My second is porridge made with milk, sugar and a big knob of butter plonked on the top left to melt lovingly into the aforesaid. Blooming lovely. Made with loving care by our mamo and mum and yet again, as a family tradition, passed on to my children. This is where the tradition stops as none of my grandsons have had the dirty pleasure of these foodstuffs. Big love to you Tori see you in April😍😍😍
Butter on my porridge. cold lasagne. Have just read Auntie Julie’s below (my sister) and that helped me to understand the butter on porridge. Haven’t had curried boiled eggs since I was 12, remember them quite fondly to be fair…dont remember the bananas bit!! When I first started work and took my own lunch, I used to have 2 ryvita, spread very thinly with butter and covered in Schwarz Lamb Seasoning! Try it before you judge it! Xxxx